056 - Forgiving Yourself

Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry, and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love, and purpose - with wisdom, humor, and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and faith.

Are you stuck in a place where you are full of regret or self-loathing about an area of your life? Perhaps you are stuck in a place of unforgiveness towards yourself.

The steps to pursue self-forgiveness (Dr. Fred Luskin):

1. Categorize the offense - have we hurt someone, hurt ourselves through self-destructive behaviour, not do/say something we should have, etc.
   
2. Know how we feel - articulate the specific wrong and the harm it has caused.
   
3. Understand what you want - how will forgiving yourself play out?
   
4. Have realistic expectations - perhaps you want to be reconciled to the person you harmed but that is not reasonable.
   
5. Identify the hurt
   
6. STOP - hit the stop button on keeping ourselves in the loop of unforgiveness.
   
7. Apologize to the harmed party.
   
8. Practice PERT - see the therapeutic response.
   
9. Replace with gratitude - see Life Coaching response.
   

Therapeutic Response: Practice PERT (Positive Emotion Refocusing Technique)

When you find yourself going into that loop, take 45 seconds:

Close your eyes, take a deep breath, slowly exhale and repeat

On the third breath focus on a place of beauty, a forest, a lake, a sunset, etc.

If you have apologized, remind yourself I have apologized and owned that.

Life Coaching Response: Replace guilt with gratitude.

Practicing gratitude gives our minds and our bodies a break from all the shame and guilt by replacing them with gratitude.

It helps to have a quote,  a verse that you can repeat when the guilt and shame comes up. E.g., “There is now no condemnation..” Romans 8:1. So now the case is closed  There remains no accusing voice of condemnation against those who are joined in union with Jesus.

Links:

Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI

Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com

Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com

Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com

Dr. Fred Luskin: https://amzn.to/3tHJJTt